I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
tell me about the eggs
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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