So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I have already put on my inside pants.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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