the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
