Porn is love you can see.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize