I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
