Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
