I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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