insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize