Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
