So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
