i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
