Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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