1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
