for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
