ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
