Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
