3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
