I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
