my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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