she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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