I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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