No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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