Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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