I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
