the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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