Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
