Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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