guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
