Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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