ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
