No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
