I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
