You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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