I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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