I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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