forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Barsexuality is the new black.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
