Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
