i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize