The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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