im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
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