he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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