I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
