Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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