You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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