On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
