He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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