why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
