Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
