on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
