its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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