TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
