i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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