Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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