So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
