I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
