remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He has the fingertips of a God
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