I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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