Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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