So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
