would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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