I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
