This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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